THEY/THEM.

 I have had a journey into transness. Originally I didn't really identify as trans as I didn't feel trans "enough" (there is no such thing as enough). As I became more and more comfortable with trying out what fit me regarding different gender representations and through learning more, I have come to terms with the fact that I am trans. I do not identify as the gender I was assigned at birth, therefore I am trans. 

I identify as Nonbinary as I don't feel like I am a woman or a man. The roles that have been put on these genders are a social construct but I do honestly believe that some people do identify with more feminine traits (for the lack of better words) or with more masculine traits. Man, woman and nonbinary have the same power as any other labels that help you find your own identity and help you navigate where to find community or likeness. 

My relationship with my pronouns is still an ongoing battle in some ways. It is very clear to me what my pronouns are (they/them) but as it isn't for others and correcting them on this can be tiring, I find this still an ongoing war where I have to pick my battles. 

When people do not know your pronouns or your gender I think it's always safest to go by they/them until you do know that person pronouns. However as people have been brought up with just she/he pronouns, to some it is harder to get used to any other. I can understand that. Also if someone has used one type of pronoun for years for a person it might take some time to change that habit. I can understand that too. But how long do I have to understand until it just becomes people's ignorance? 

I'm tired and don't want to go to every single person and explain why it is important to use the correct pronoun. Especially when it comes to people who aren't in my closest circle of people.

I am often tempted to start using different pronouns for other people to point out how it's not comfortable. But then again... I tend to do this by mistake on everyone all the time anyway. I come from Finland where we don't have gendered pronouns. We have "hän" but often we call each other "se" which translates to "it". It's just how our language is. So using gendered pronouns was something my brain had to learn. And sometimes I still go she when talking about my brother or he when I talk about my cats, but those aren't the correct pronouns and when I mess up I tend to just go "oops, sorry he" or whatever the right pronoun is. Why can't others do that, just say sorry, correct themselves and move on?

It's a human right to be seen as who you are

In Canada misgendering has been ruled a human rights violation. As pronouns are a fundamental part of persons identity, when people misgender they are not seeing you as the person you are. 

In UK harassment and hate speech is illegal. Misgendering someone on purpose and continuously could be categorised as harassment or hate speech. There was a case with Surrey Police where a journalist misgendered a transgender woman and the context in itself was malicious. The charges were dropped in the end. There was also a case where a charity raised a concern to the police regarding a child being misgendered in school as this counted as a hate crime. The child had become depressed due to being constantly reminded of their past. The matter was resolved by the police, but the affects on the child are much deeper than people realise. The depression and anxiety misgendering can bring to people, especially when their brain is still developing can be detrimental in the long term. 

I do hope that the more this is talked about and cases are brought forward that people understand the seriousness of the consequences of misgendering people. I might not be much to you but think how it can feel for the person you're misgendering.

Doing drag

I used to struggle with my gender representation quite a bit. I always felt like I was putting on drag when I put on make up and was more feminine. Then something clicked at some point and I just embraced that. I love the looks drag queens pull and there isn't anything negative about doing drag. Also the feelings I have towards what feels comfortable to me on different days changes. I guess my gender is still fluid that way. Some days I just don't feel comfortable at all looking too feminine and some days looking too masculine feels odd. 

I always felt like I had to choose one or the other. With many things. With gender, with sexuality, with life choices in general. But the fun part of life is that you really don't have to choose anything. You can just be and try out different things and do what feels comfortable to you. 

So when someone misgenders me with the wrong pronouns (which happens in most interactions at this point) it does not ruin my day, but it does chip away at me. I know I haven't been super active in correcting people on this either. But like I said it takes energy to do so. And if I have to choose if I have energy to feed myself and look after myself, I'll have to do that first. I am autistic and I'm sure there's some other stuff going on with me too, where I feel tired everyday and to use a neurodivergent term: I have a limited amount of spoons for each day. Every interaction and task I have for the day takes away a spoon and if I have 5 spoons to begin with, essentials will take those. A lot of times I do not have the spoons to have the conversations with people about my pronouns. I do wanna start being more active in having these conversations as in the long run I know it'll be worth it.

Another part about having conversations with others about pronouns and gender, is that some spaces aren't safe for these conversations and you don't really know if it's safe or not until you are at the point where you don't feel safe. So how do you bring this up? If you don't want to put yourself into a place where you don't feel safe? Or where you don't feel comfortable? Again as an autistic person, if I'm too uncomfortable too much I have meltdowns. And I'd definitely want to avoid that. So I do try to stay at middle ground on a lot of things or just in a good comfortable space. 

Trans stories

There's a podcast episode called All Things Trans by Rainbow Cast Media. I recommend starting here to hear some different stories on different journeys on finding out being trans and what that can mean to different people. I am perhaps a little biased recommending this as I know the people who host it but I do highly recommend it anyway! Especially if you don't really have many queer friends as the episodes give this feel of friends just hanging out. 

Something I recently discovered through them news letter is Hand habits who have some new music out. The article in them is great and I recommend looking through it (I love the pictures included with the article too) and listen to the new album of singles Clean air. The album artwork was chosen by the artist Meg Duffy, who's behind Hand habits, as the artwork "felt nonbinary". Absolutely love that and will absolutely start using that as a reasoning for things I choose. Things that feel like me, feel nonbinary!

Be kind to yourself and others!