The things we do in the dark.

I've been feeling tired. I took a day to plan my time better so I wouldn't always feel so overwhelmed and tired and in the end what I did was just feel overwhelmed and tired so I took a bath. 

Then I took half a day off work to catch up on things I wanted and needed to do. And what did I do? I felt tired and decided to rest most of it. 

Finally the 3rd day I told myself I need to get my chores done, the creative things I was meaning to do and the self check in by journaling. I ticked off a couple chores on my breaks from work so I'd have the whole rest of the day to catch up on things. Instead I caught up on some more resting. 

All these days of my body and mind telling me to rest and forcing me to rest and all I do is stress about it and feel guilty. Why? Why are we so conditioned to always be doing something? Why do we feel worthy only by being productive? 

For me the most frustrating part of it all is that usually the list of things I want to do, are mostly things that I really enjoy doing and that make me happy. Why do even those things feel like too much?

The dark deep well

Some might say that this tiredness is a symptom of depression. To be honest... maybe. But also my whole life has been like this. When I'm a little busy, my days are filled with lots of things, this is followed by a time of me feeling exhausted and irritated. Later on in life I've come to realise this could also be because I'm autistic. When there is a lot going on, especially out of schedule, I start feeling more and more irritation and if I don't stop or can't stop I do end up getting burned out. 

If I don't take time to rest, usually my body forces me to eventually. Why is it hard to change life to be different and not have to always reach the point of exhaustion before resting?

Living in a society where it is important to constantly keep going, it is difficult to anyone who is differently abled. The constant need for money to be able to pay rent, bills, food and general things in life that keep the quality of life at a reasonable level, is something that drives a lot of people to a difficult place. You need to give up some things to be able to be comfortable in others. 

I don't like being weak. I consider myself quite strong. But I feel weak when I can't achieve the things I want to be achieving. I wish I had more energy. I wish I could interact with people more without feeling burned out. I wish I could push myself and plan my time better so I could do more of the things I like doing. For a long time I've tried to figure out a plan for my weeks where I schedule in time to rest, just so I don't reach the point of burn out. 

Sometimes I disappear

I remember being a teenager and wondering how do others do life and make it look so easy. It took me years to understand that life isn't that easy and it just looks like it from the outside. However it took even longer for me to understand that yes, for some it is harder. Not everyone gets burned out by going to work, socialising with friends and having some hobbies. Not everyone goes nonverbal when they feel burned out. 

Going nonverbal or semiverbal is something I've felt ashamed of since I was a child. I usually hid it as me wanting to spend time alone, which also did help when I felt overwhelmed. When I was semi-verbal people thought I was shy. Still to this day I tend to spend time alone when I realise I'm going nonverbal. It is easier to do when you're single and live alone. Harder when there are people around. I've always tried to hide the parts of my life where I struggle.

Part of being ashamed of going nonverbal and being that level of overwhelmed is that I end up having to cancel plans. These things might be something I've been waiting to do for a long time or something I'm really excited about, but the shame and being so overwhelmed that I need time alone weighs more. Then I end up being alone a lot which most of the time I don't mind as I can keep myself busy with all the interests I have, but when I'm at that point when I am nonverbal, I'm exhausted. There isn't much I can do. These are the moments when I feel trapped in my head. Can't do anything, can't communicate to others much. It can feel really lonely. 

Lightness in the dark

I have tried to learn to accept myself and tried to accept I need more breaks and time doing things that elevate me and don't overwhelm me. It's still a long way to go as every time it happens I still kick myself and feel really down about it. But I am trying. That's what I tell myself to keep going. 

In the end it doesn't matter why someone feels tired and needs a break. It doesn't matter if it's a day or a week. As long as it doesn't turn into a spiral down. It feels silly to even tell others it's okay to take time to rest as it is a given, but when I tell that to myself, somehow I feel guilty. 

It's okay to have dark days or darker times in general. We aren't supposed to be happy and entertaining all the time. It's such a stupid concept to be expected of that. It feels so fake when people don't understand that life is full of emotions and if we don't let ourselves feel them and go through them, we aren't going to feel well ever. Feeling tired or sad shouldn't make you feel ashamed or that you shouldn't be around others. But also you shouldn't feel bad for saying no to spending time with others if that's what you need. Again the key here is not to let it become a downward spiral. 

You are valuable just by existing

Beautiful things happen in darkness too, why are we so scared of it? The dark and the light will always play, it's how you play along that either makes it easier or harder. If you let darkness be something unknown that you are uncomfortable with, it'll grow into a monster. If you are consciously present even in times when you don't feel great, you'll only get to know yourself even better. You'll learn to hear what you need even clearer. Being scared or ashamed doesn't serve a purpose in this. But also give yourself breaks. Give yourself rest. You don't always have to be achieving something. You can just be.

Be kind to yourself and others!