SOME AUTISTIC THOUGHTS

I am currently stuck in a loop of working so hard to be where I want to be in life, pushing myself so hard to get there, to only find myself feeling anxious and stressed, my stomach being upset, not sleeping well and ending up absolutely exhausted to the point that I can't work on anything. I rest and I try again and find myself at the same or even worse spot than I was at. I go to my doctors and I'm on a waiting list for assessment so that I can have better support. I go to therapy to manage my anxiety and stress. I start to have low mood because things are not getting better and I get therapy for that too. The anxiety and stress re-trigger my stomach again and again, which makes me not want to go to a lot of public places or see people as I'm worried my stomach won't be able to handle it. I isolate myself. My mood goes lower. I contact my doctor again and they put me on anti-anxiety meds so that I can maybe manage things a bit better. Maybe this will help my stomach to calm down too. 

But none of this is giving me the support I need as an autistic person. 

WAITING

I have been on the waiting list for a long long time. I have been trying to manage and figure things out on my own. Read as much as I can. I try to understand why some things overwhelm me and why there are times where something I was capable of doing suddenly disappears. Yes the joys of autistic burnout. Slightly different than normal burnout. This one comes along and totally wipes out skills you had and leaves you exhausted and sometimes nonverbal. Fun, I know. 

If only at least some parts of how I feel would improve so that they wouldn't keep causing the other symptoms. If I had better sleep maybe I'd have more energy. If only my anxiety would be lower so my stomach wouldn't get upset. If only I had more advice and guidance on what I should do as an autistic person. The doctors and therapist seem to be able to only help manage the symptoms but not what causes it. And there is no advise at all how I should build my life so it would be easier. All the advise I receive is something for neurotypical people.

POWER IN NUMBERS

I have noticed more and more autistic people speak up and show up in social media. There are so many more of us than I thought. We have been taught since we were kids to "act right" "blend in" "be normal" that masking our natural behaviours and hiding who we are has become second nature. We are scared to show others and be ourselves authentically, as we do not want to be socially punished and treated differently. 

All of this got me thinking, if there are so many of us and we have needs that are not being met, we have power to make change and have better support for autistic people. We can be there for each other and we can also gather and those of us who can, can speak up and demand better support. It's better for everyone the better equality and equity there is. 

THE SAD FACTS

The issues autistic people face are so overwhelming. Only 21.7% of autistic people are employed. There are so many struggles at workplaces that autistic people face. If you do not have a job, it is likely you are struggling financially. This means many autistic people will stay with their families, or have to live in shared houses, when they really need is a place for themselves where there is calmness and peace. A space of their own. 

There are so many autistic people that never get diagnosed. They just find themselves really struggling in society and don't know why. Struggle to have a job, keep a place to live and end up homeless. 

So many autistic people get misdiagnosed for only having depression and anxiety. When the reality is that by having to struggle everyday there is so much anxiety building and when one can't cope with the pressures, depression starts to kick in. If you don't manage what is causing them, you will never feel better.

It is 9 times more likely for autistic adults to die from suicide. Devastatingly autistic children are 28 times more likely to think about suicide than their neurotypical counterparts. It really doesn't have to be this way, and why are we letting this happen? 

WHAT NOW?

I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I'm sick and tired of having stomach problems, sleeping problems, chronic anxiety and bouts of depression when things don't calm down and I don't feel better. 

I know I am luckier than many people and I am privileged in many ways. I do have a home and a job (which I'm currently having to take sick leave from) and I have friends and family (even if they are in another country). But all of this could disappear so easily if I'm not able to receive the support I need, to be able to get out of not being well. I am working extremely hard on ways I can feel better, to get through my days and making plans of how to continue to feel better but it really shouldn't be this hard. 

I want there to be better support. There needs to be something more than what it is now. There are so many of us out there and I just want to reach other autistic people and create something where we can come together and try figure out what to do. To share support and tips on what might help or just to listen to each other so we know we're not alone. 

So if anyone has any ideas or if there are already resources or places to go, please do share! Right now I mostly feel like I just needed to put this out there and scream into a void if nothing else. Even better if just one autistic person sees this and knows they're not alone. And also great if the neurotypical people see this and learn something from the neurodivergent world. 

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Be kind to yourself and others!