LIVING WITH DEPRESSION: PERSONAL STORY

Hei!

I hope you have a comfy seat and perhaps a nice warm cup of coffee or tea.

Between a dream and reality

Waking up in the morning and all you want to do is snuggle in between the covers and never leave. It looks too bright outside even if it's raining. There's so many things that need doing today and too many things that stress you out. You play games on your phone instead. Before you know it, it's two in the afternoon and you need to pee really badly. But that would mean you'd need to get up. Hoping you could just skip today, you ignore it and binge watch tv-shows instead. 

I have always had low moods. At least as far as I can remember. By low moods I mean:

• Nothing interests me, or things feel hard to do
• Sleeping a lot or not being able to fall asleep for ages and then sleeping in to the afternoon
• Crying out of tiredness and frustration
• Feeling general tiredness during the day
• Not feeling worthy of anything
• Having negative thoughts circling round and round without light in sight

Pretty much feeling like you're walking in a swamp and every step requires too much energy.

Depression isn't the same for everyone. But this is how it has been for me. Sometimes it has gotten worse and the negative thoughts have turned to negative actions. At times I've noticed a low coming and practiced self care and managed just fine.

The lows

I have childhood memories of a friend ringing the doorbell and asking if I wanted to go out to play. I'd lie and say my mom had told me not to go out that day. The truth was I didn't feel like doing anything and just wanted to be alone. Nothing interested me. Sometimes I could read, sometimes I'd go for walks in the forest alone. Sometimes I'd bike around the yard in circles. Later on I learned these were probably something I now call the lows. 

As a teenager these lows hit me harder. I was struggling with various different things as teenagers do. I didn't know who I was and where I would fit in. I was trying to figure out what I believed in, what my sexuality was and why it was so hard to be interested in all the things my friends were interested in. I felt different. I still found comfort in walking in the woods, going on long bike rides and losing myself in books. I had also started to write journals as a kid and that was still something I did as a teenager. Sometimes those things weren't enough. I'd get angry at others and turn it against myself. I didn't know how to ask for help and I found it hard to accept help. Most of the time it was even hard to accept that anything was wrong. I'd just keep going and trying to pretend everything was fine. All teenagers went through this, right? They didn't need help, so neither did I. Everything was fine. 

Until it wasn't.

Last year of high school 

Some time after turning 18 I started planning my move away from home. I found student accommodation and the government paid my rent, bills and living. I had taken my first independent steps towards being an adult. I travelled abroad on my own, I paid my bills, I was in charge of what happened to me now.

Over the winter I started feeling more and more depressed. I was worried of what would happen in the future, my relationships were a mess, I was missing a lot of my final classes. I spent a lot of time in bed, eating macaroni and watching films. I would listen to a lot of music and write. Sometimes I felt so numb I couldn't form a single coherent thought.

I don't remember what was the final wake up call for me that forced me out of my house and back in school. But I do remember going to my guidance counselor and finding out I needed to finish more courses before I could graduate. If I didn't get them done by the deadline, I would have to stay for another year. Maybe that was the wake up call. I didn't want to stay for another year. I gathered all my strength, asked different teachers, that by then I felt close to, and managed to do some courses from home. With a lot of effort and some good luck I mustered up the needed courses in time. I had a motivator: after school I'd move to England.

Things would get better and they could get worse

I worked my ass off and graduated alongside friends that I had alienated before. End of summer I moved to London. I went to events and saw bands play. I made friends and had fun. There were some great times and some not so great times. I loved the city, the nights out, the music, the people, the freedom. As I started running out of money and wasn't getting any jobs, I started to feel desperate. I couldn't stay without money. Eventually I got a place as an au pair in a Finnish family. I would look after an 8-year-old 4 days a week. I'd take him to school and back, play games, read with him, help him with his homework and take him to parks and museums. Couldn't wish for a nicer job.

After a while, the sad thoughts crept back in. I spent my days off either in bed or keeping myself busy. It was harder and harder to keep the darkest thoughts away. I felt somewhat betrayed. I had done it, I had moved to London, why wasn't I feeling better? What else could I do? Was there anything else I wanted to do? It wasn't the first time I had thoughts that I didn't matter, but this time it was a step further. 

As a teenager I'd had thoughts that everything was too hard and I wasn't made for this world. I'd never fit in, I never felt wanted. I'd cross roads carelessly. I didn't care if I acted recklessly. I didn't care what would happen to me. At my most desperate times I'd take something sharp and let my mind focus on something that would need my full attention. If I felt disappointed or angry, I'd take it out on myself. I didn't matter and I never wanted to hurt others. I kept it to myself.

Another hard winter

I felt lost and desperate. Most of all I felt like a disappointment. I was constantly in pain and didn't feel like there was a way out of it. I didn't feel happy where I was in London and going home felt like failing. I sat alone with my thoughts which became heavier and heavier to carry. Even though I was going through something in my personal life, I always made sure it wasn't affecting my work life or the family I was living with. They had been amazing to me and I was very grateful to them. 

I never liked christmas. People would only care about presents, not people. Everyone would be stressed out to their limits. It was also a time that brought sad memories. The family I was staying with were travelling to Finland for the holidays. After a long consideration I had decided to move back home. The family was sad that I was leaving but understood. I managed to get a flight but it was after christmas. The family was flying to Finland a week before me.

In my head I had given up. I was a failure. I had a week on my own and the pain was louder with no distractions. Horrible thoughts would spin around my head. I'd take several painkillers a day trying to numb myself out. There was no end to the spiraling thoughts. One night I drank and swallowed one painkiller after another and kept telling myself the pain would go away. I woke up the next morning in a pool of my own vomit. Waking up to a new day jolted my mind and realizing my friends would be there any minute, made me jump into action. I'd clean and sort things out. I kept myself busy. We spent the christmas together and I flew back to Finland.

The next 5 months I spent lying in bed. My wonderful mom had welcomed me back home. I applied to schools as I felt the pressure of 'I had to do something'. Other than that it was a lot of films, reading, music and writing. I remember mom asking if I was ok and offering help. Even offering to go to the doctors with me. I always said no. I wanted to figure stuff out on my own. I did always feel grateful to my mom for having a welcoming home to come back to if I ever needed it.

Fast forward to now, several years later

After moving back to Finland I didn't see a future there. I ended up moving back to London. I also travelled a bit, moved back to Finland, then back to London again, to Brighton after that and eventually ended up in Ireland, where I am now. No matter where I have been, there has always been ups and downs. There has been times when I've struggled to look after myself. I've sought help. Sometimes gotten help, other times left disappointed. Eventually learned to accept and live with depression. It has not been easy, still isn't but I live. I live a life where I can prepare for the lows, live through them and enjoy the good times. Sometimes things don't go as planned, but then I give myself time and forgive myself for not always succeeding. I keep learning and above all else I keep living. I see my life as something valuable and I make better decisions for myself. 

There are still times when I struggle and negative thoughts cloud my mind. But I don't give up. I always saw myself as someone who made their dreams come true and there are still so many dreams that I need to see through. One big lesson I learned was to strive for progress, not perfection.

You are not alone

An estimated 121 million people on earth have some form of depression. Not everyone seeks help, not everyone gets help. Not all places have services provided. Below are details of couple of places where you can seek help, if you do need it.

IMAlive

An online crisis network where you can chat online with someone who can help.

7cups 

An on demand emotional health and well being service, that provides support in form of online chats and self care activities.

I also do reblog guidance and advice posts on the odd uneven time tumblr.