Change.

A better relationship

The other day I was lying in bed, trying to figure out what to do with the day ahead and I was feeling low. What I really wanted in that moment was cuddles and closeness with someone. But I couldn't have that. So then I started to think, if I can't do that right now, what can I do? I can build a better relationship with myself. I can't make people show up in my life but I can show up for myself. I can give comfort and feel more content with myself. So this is for me.

The thoughts I had running through my mind while lying in bed were:

• Who am I right now in this space?

• What is stopping me from being my most authentic self? 

• I am tired a lot and I can get easily overwhelmed.  

• I'm at my happiest when I am creating or enjoying something creative.

• I am often unsure of where to start.

• Once I do decide to do something I find a way to do it.

What I realised is that these are things I need to truly acknowledge, accept and give space for in my life.

Aren't you embarrassed of yourself?

We are constantly growing and changing. I have looked at pictures and videos of myself or things I've created in the past, and cringed or felt embarrassed. But if I didn't react like that, it would mean I had not grown at all. I am not that person anymore, I am in a different place, that's why I feel the embarrassment. Also no one is perfect, no one has reached their final form. There is so much on earth you can learn and do better. So what or who are you truly comparing yourself with? What are you truly feeling embarrassed about?

I think what matters is, if we are reaching to become or do better. Especially at times where we are doing harm to ourselves or to others and might not even realise it at the time. It's so important to be able to look at that and reach for better. Feel the embarrassment and shame and confront it, and see how you can do better. If you hide from the thing that makes you uncomfortable, you are destined to make the same mistakes again and you won't grow from that. You will stay where you are. You have to try different things, and sometimes fail, to get somewhere different. If you already had the knowledge of how to do something perfectly, you would already be doing it. And if you're not doing it, the difference between there and now is trying. You might be okay at something that is similar to something you have done in the past, but you'll never be perfect at it on the first go. You have to fail a lot, and that will feel uncomfortable. But that is where you grow and do become better.

There has been a lot of talks in the past year or so, on conflict and if it's necessary for change. If we all were comfortable, we'd already be at this perfect place. But we aren't all comfortable, there is already conflict happening, you might not have seen it but it's there. So there is work to be done. There might be more visible conflict to be had before the change will happen. We have to confront the uncomfortable and unknown to be able to open ourselves to learning something new and to trying something new. If we don't try, we stay still and nothing gets better. We have to try and fail and failure has to become something more acceptable. It shouldn't be this scary monster that stops people from creating a better life. 

You will fall on your ass a million times and get bruised when you learn to skate. It will take practice for your body to learn how to keep your balance and how to kick forward. This is exactly the same with everything else in our lives. We have to fall on our ass and it'll hurt and be uncomfortable and people might look at you and laugh as you fall, but if you don't try and do it, there is no growth. There will be no change, no new skill learned, no better tomorrow. To get something you don't already have or to be somewhere where you haven't been before, you have to do something you've never done before.

Overcome what's stopping you

There's a quote that I can't quite remember fully and who's it is, but it goes something along the lines of "You have to kill your family to be able to create". Of course it doesn't mean you need to listen to some murder podcasts or watch some documentaries on Netflix for tips and go for it. It means that you can't think about other people's reactions when you create. If you let the views of others in your head while trying to create something from within you, you will end up killing your own creativity. You can't unleash your most authentic self if the voice you follow is someone else's.

There is also this quote by Milan Kundera:

"Living in truth, lying neither to ourselves nor to others was possible only away from the public: the moment someone keeps an eye on what we do, we involuntarily make allowances for that eye and nothing we do is truthful." 

The Unbearable Lightness of Being 

If there is something stopping you from doing something, think what's stopping you. 

• What is the worst that can happen? 
• If you'd create a dream of what the best outcome could be, how would that look like?

 Is it not worth trying? What if you do reach that dreamy outcome? Or even if you don't, if you try you're not gonna be where you started from. You're going to be somewhere different and if you're not happy where you're now, try something else. Maybe you'll end up feeling grateful you tried that thing, as it lead you to something else that brought something amazing to your life.

Where to start change?

Changing and making a better tomorrow doesn't mean you always have to reach for the highest of highs to make that change. It can be changing how you feel about yourself from "I don't like how I don't fit in these pants" to "I am soft and I can give hugs and cuddles to people I care about. My body is here everyday when I take care of myself. " 

You don't have to set a goal to love your body if that feels unreachable. Also I'd like to note that for your body to be good or worthy of love and care, doesn't mean you have to fit a certain image society, friends, family or whoever puts in your mind. Your body doesn't need to be an able body. 

As long as you exist you have worth, you are enough, you are important. 

I think it's really hard to love yourself and to love your body everyday all the time. So if you are like me, gained some weight over lockdowns and you don't fit into those pants anymore, be kind to yourself. Your body got through this time with you. You lived through changes, you lived through fear. Or maybe something has happened to your body and some parts of it aren't here anymore. The rest still is. You are still here. And that is worth everything. 

I have been thinking about my self worth and how I feel in my body and I do not feel comfortable as it is. I do get really frustrated when I still don't fit into the clothes I did before the pandemic started. But to change that I have thought about what is healthy and good for me. 

I haven't been moving as much as I used to. To motivate me to move again I had to think what is something I do like doing. I have gone on more walks and picked up doing yoga again. I have apps to help with this. With yoga I use Track Yoga and I use Google fit to have a goal to reach with walking. To me it has helped to have smaller goals as it easier to reach them and step by step you will reach your bigger goal. 

Another part of what changed was how I eat. I would eat more as I had more time on my hands. I discovered through @rosecolouredgirl13 tiktok about intuitive eating. Before I had certain set times of the day when I'd eat and I would eat even when I wasn't hungry. Now I have started to practice listening to my body and eating when I am hungry. This might not work for everyone, but that's the key, you have to try and find what works for you. So if something doesn't work, that's fine, you learn, you try something else.

Let's begin.

True change can never happen without self discovery, self acceptance, empathy for others and belief that through conflict we will reach a place where we are going to find ourselves in a better place.

Let's try things out.

Make mistakes. 

Share things we like. 

Encourage positive change in our lives and support each other.  

But also lets remember to accept ourselves as we are and others as they are. We are enough, important and worthy of love.

Be kind to yourself and others!