GENDERQUEER

Hei!

I hope you are well, and thank you for being here again!

On an average day...

I would wake up and check social medias on my phone, maybe play some games. Eventually I would get up, brush my teeth and some days do yoga, some days write in my journal, some days I'd just go straight for the breakfast. I might try to get dressed before breakfast sometimes after. I would stand in front of my wardrobe and try finding something that matches the mood I was in. Sometimes this would end up in tears and frustration. Sometimes I could get as far as picking a dress and I'd be about to put make up on when I'd end up crying it off. Some days were easier and I didn't even give a second thought to what I was wearing. This was before... AND after I found out I was genderqueer.

Being genderqueer is not all tears and frustration and confusion. Being genderqueer is basically just me not feeling 100% female or male. To be honest I just feel like I'm me. I'm a human being. I'm fine being me. It's when I have to tick a box and the options are male or female when I get frustrated. It's when society's gender roles are so engraved into our everyday life that everything I do is categorized into things that girls do, or boys do. It's when items and clothing is gendered and if I wear a dress, people will see me as a girl. I do not feel comfortable being either gender. The things I do or wear do not make me a girl or a boy. How I feel inside is how I identify. And I happen to identify as genderqueer.

Let's start from the beginning.

The definition for being genderqueer is to identify both, neither or a combination of male and female genders. I didn't really think about gender much until I moved out of Finland. I grew up in an environment where being me, no matter what I did was ok. I was allowed to wear what I wanted and play with the toys I wanted and I was allowed to do the same stuff boys were doing. I don't remember feeling the pressure to act certain way. Of course there were the usual social growing up pains when you try to fit into groups at times and try make up and talk about boys and all that. But I feel like I struggled more coming to terms with who I was attracted to rather than how I personally identified as. I had been liking girls since kindergarten but never felt the need to share that to everyone and only when I was a teenager I battled to find the label for how I felt. I wasn't sure if I was gay and didn't really know bi was a thing. This was something I struggled with a long time. Only in the recent years I've really come to understand that I am attracted to all different genders which has made me identify as queer. I could pick either of the terms pan or bi as well but I have chosen queer as that is such a great umbrella term for having attraction to various genders as well as identifying as genderqueer.

Moving forward.

As I said in the beginning I didn't really feel the need to think about my gender until I moved away from Finland. When I moved to England where I was filling forms and adjusting to a new place, I felt society's pressure on me more. I've been wondering why and only things I could think of were the freedom growing up in a family and society where I could be me. No matter what I did I was always supported. Also in Finland things are not as gendered. In the Finnish language there is no she and he pronouns, there is only one for both which is hän. This isn't used as much in spoken language, we are lazy and don't care so we often call each other "it". It's just how our language has been for a long time. Only when written language came along later on, they decided people needed to be separated from animals and hän came along. Old habits die hard and people still use "it" more often than not. Also Finland is quite equal and men and women have mostly the same rights and same opportunities. Items are less gendered and women are seen as strong characters too. Of course there are still issues that need fixing but somehow Finland feels more free to me than England. At least when it came down to social pressure.

I had always been very particular about what I wore and how I looked. But I never thought it had something to do with gender. At least I didn't feel any pressure being myself while I was growing up in Finland. Or maybe I did but it was so minor that I have since forgotten. While living in England I had more breakdowns and had days when I felt like I had to look certain way to come across as a female but inside I felt like man in a bad drag act. This made me question what was really going on. I knew a little bit about trans identities but mostly I had seen it in a way that there were trans men and trans women. Most of the time I tried not to think about the whole subject as it felt scary and confusing. I didn't feel like a man.... but I didn't feel like a woman either. Some days all I saw in the mirror was some kind of monster... a person that had been put together with pieces that just wouldn't fit together.

Finding the term genderqueer.

I kept battling with dysphoria and having days when I was completely happy with coming across female. There were also days when I felt happy inside when someone addressed me as a sir. There also could be days when in the morning I would feel fine and in the evening my skin would itch as I felt like it wasn't mine. It was such a confusing time. I would go from days and weeks od being ok and accepting myself  to days and weeks of constant battle in my head.

Then I came across the term genderqueer. It made sense and instantly a wave of relief came over me. I'd still dance around the term for a long while. I felt scared to claim a term to describe me, when I might still be wrong. I still had days when I was ok being a girl. So could I be genderqueer if there were days when I felt strongly about just one gender? As I learned more and came across more people who identified as genderqueer, I felt more sure that the term was for me. I was genderqueer.

Where am I now?

Now years later, I am finally really giving myself the time to go through my thoughts on this. I want to know where I stand and is there anything I would need to do to change in order to feel more comfortable.

I still struggle, almost daily, to feel comfortable in the way I come across to other people. This is mostly due to others making assumptions based on what I'm wearing and how I act. For example if I wear a dress, people think I'm a girl.

Coming out
I have never felt the pressure to come out in someway. Me being genderqueer and having that term as one identifier has been mostly for me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. It also helps to find others who feel the same and we can relate to one another through the term. Being genderqueer has not changed me as a person and I am still the same as I have always been. I don't feel the need to go to everyone I know and tell them I'm genderqueer as this is something that shouldn't change my relationship with them.

Pronouns
I am still mostly addressed as a she. In ideal world I would be addressed as they/them. But also in an ideal world everyone would be addressed as they/them. Then there wouldn't be assumptions of other people's gender. With my Finnish speaking family and friends this is easy as Finnish isn't a gendered language.

My name 
This is something I do struggle with. I kind of just try to forget about it and not think about it and just.... ignore the fact that my name is feminine. I am quite attached to my name and it would be hard to let it go. At the same time I've always had a weird distance to it. I do constantly think of different gender neutral names that would fit me. As I am Finnish I would still like to keep a Finnish name. Also I would love my mom to be part of the name changing process. I have asked her before what I would have been called if I had been assigned a boy at birth. She said maybe Eemeli. Again that is a very masculine name. I wouldn't fit that either. Why do names have to have genders?

What would make my life as a genderqueer easier and more comfortable?

• Language that would not be gendered
• No gendering on clothing and products
• Unisex bathrooms in public places
• Option to pick "other" or "genderqueer" or "nonbinary" when gender needs to be stated
• More visible genderqueer, nonbinary or other non-conforming genders in tv-shows, films, magazines, social media etc.
• Safe spaces in places where there is a lot of hatred and discrimination
• Resources and campaigns to raise awareness so that other gendered people are more of a normal part of society 

I'm sure there are plenty more things that would make life better and easier for other genderqueer and non-binary people and I'd be happy to hear your thoughts and suggestions! 

Comment below or contact me on any of the other social platforms. 

I would love to hear your story and journey to finding out you were genderqueer and if you come across things that bother you, how you deal with them.

Here are some fun and maybe useful links:

GENDERQUEER AND NON-BINARY IDENTITIES 

A great place to find more information and more resources on mentioned identities.

WE RUN: Non-Binary inclusion in Sports 

First Person has a great youtube channel with videos representing various different queer identities. This is one of them and brings up an important subject and it's something I hope to see change for the better in the future!

GQutie! 

An autobiographical webcomic by one genderqueer artist called Ronnie Ritchie.