LONG LOST NOTES.

This is going to be all the words I shouldn't of said to you anymore.

I'm not good with time frames. I never know how long ago something was. Something could of happened a year ago or only couple months ago and I wouldn't know. Time works differently for me. So I can't tell you when but I can tell you how.

With every vibration of my phone I wish it is you but then scold myself for thinking that. Sometimes I can be doing the most mundane things like doing the laundry or peeing or getting dressed and I'll remember something I always wanted to do but never did with you. It's mostly stupid things like I wanted to look at your hands and hold them and trace my fingers along the lines. Like I wish we could of had a week of doing all the things I had thought I had time to do with you. That way at least it would all be out of my system and I wouldn't keep wondering and dreaming and looking back wishing. Maybe then I would have real evidence how it just wouldn't of worked. I do believe reality is always different than the dream. In reality you never start a conversation with me anymore. In reality your mind is filled with someone else. You don't even know me anymore. I've changed so much. But then again I am the same in some ways. I've grown older but my core hasn't changed. I've learned but there is still so many lessons to learn. Like the one where I really shouldn't talk to you anymore. I wonder what it is, why do feelings last?

I found these notes that I used to write instead of talking to you. I have been finding them for months. I would write on anything I had on me when the urge would come about. There are notebooks and little post its and pieces of paper full of random thoughts. There are notes saved on my phone like above where I just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere so they wouldn't eat me alive.

Why does it work with someone and not with someone else? Why does one person feel like it works and one doesn't? Why does one heartbreak bring memories of all the rest?

Human existence is a lonely thing. We might have families and friends and sometimes even partners and our own little families, but in the end we're alone. We're the only person in this head and body, experiencing this specific and unique life. One can feel absolutely heartbroken and alone in a group of people sharing their love for you. If it isn't the right person at the right moment... you still feel alone. Why is that?

The greatest fulfilling feeling is to be understood. That's what we all are probably seeking right? People who would understand us and share our experiences and thoughts. We want to get praised at work for what we do cause others understand what we are doing and appreciate it. We want to be understood by our friends and feel connected by having the same interests or experiences. We want to be understood by our families and if they don't it hurts. We want to be understood by our partner and when we're not we end up fighting and it hurts.

Why is it that some memories come back to you so quickly? The good memories feel better than they probably were and the bad ones fade away? And when at times the bad ones rise up and make you forget all the good ones? How does that work?

I don't know what to do with these words. I cannot say them to you. Or you. Or you. With you I don't want to keep hurting and I don't want to keep hurting you and with you I don't even know if I want to open that door.

Love is the greatest thing when you have it. When you have it for the right people. But when you lose it, when it doesn't work out, that's when love is the most painful thing.