Make nice.

 

Trigger warning for sexual assault and spoilers for the movie.

I just finished watching Woman of the Hour, directorial debut from Anna Kendrick. The movie is about a serial killer and his victims. Have it be directed by someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I think helped show the tenseness in so many ways when it comes to these situations you are in, where the survival takes over and you make yourself as small as possible. 

To me the most impactful moment is in the end where his teenage victim wakes up and looks around, assesses the situation and asks her abuser "Hey are you okay?" First I got so angry that she is even asking this. So incredibly furious that this most disgusting man has just assaulted you and left you for dead and now crying like he's the victim and he's being asked this. But then it clicked in. I have done the same thing in various situations. But most importantly when I have been with my abusers. The survival kicks in. 

You do anything and everything to survive, so you try to get on their good side. You ask if they're okay, you tell them hey it's okay, lets keep this a secret between us, hey lets go have breakfast, hey here's my number so we can go on another date. 

You do anything and everything to survive, so that they don't hurt you anymore. 

You make nice.

Estimated 37% of rapes are reported, 5% of them leads to a charge and under 1% is convicted

Not everyone gets justice. I haven't. I also didn't report mine to anywhere. It didn't feel like it would help anything. Especially as I dissociated for months after and couldn't process it at all until I was in a place where I felt safe to do so. But even then... honestly, I don't know how I've processed it even now. For the first rape I took some of the blame originally. If I hadn't been drunk or out of my head the way I was. If I had just screamed louder... But none of it was my fault. I did everything I could, this shouldn't of happened at all. Second rape it was a friend who I trusted. I couldn't believe it would happen to me. Again I was drunk. This hit me harder cause I thought I was with someone who'd keep me safe. I'm allowed to live my life as I please if I'm not hurting anyone and enjoying my time. Why do I have to live through this? 

There are many ways people can hurt you and abuse you. I always try make nice. Abusive relationships, gaslighting, narcissism. I've found it hard to learn out of the survival instinct of making myself small. I want to learn to fight back. I hate that the burden is on me. It should be on these other people to not be doing these things in the first place. I don't think they know how these things have impacted my life. That I have to carry what they did to me every day. It impacts my every interaction. How I trust people or don't. How it can trigger so many emotions and actions. It can get so dark so fast and I have to actively work on it all to be able to live a life I want to live. Or to live at all. I do often wonder how it has impacted theirs. 

I don't personally need sorry's or looking after in any way. I need these people to just stop. Stop hurting other people. Get your head out of your ass and understand what you are doing. Or get help. Or lets have systems in place where these people get some kind of help for this sick twisted shit they do. It all has to stop. The victims have to live with these things for the rest of their lives. The people who do these horrible things also have to be made to face it and feel the shame and guilt. It's not fair. 

Most common conviction for rape is 4 years

I don't think these people realise how they do kill the person their victim could of been. The experience for the victim is so deeply wounding that it changes you. You are not the same. These people kill the person you would of been and leave you in the cold to gather pieces of yourself and figure out who you are now.

I consider myself an incredibly strong, capable person but also soft, caring and vulnerable. I don't want to let these people take away any of it. I will continue to live my life the way I want to and learn and heal and fight. Even if the person I was is only going to be carried in my heart and they don't get to live the life fully as they had thought they would. I will still find a way even if it is now harder, with extra baggage. Good thing I have some muscle.