Use your imagination

Something I want to talk about is the reality of living in this day and age. I was going to say with a disability or a neurodivergency but I realised as I was typing that I'm not sure if anyone even without these is capable of living comfortably. We are the ones, us human beings, who have created the society as it is, and we have the power to change it. Even if we do not have the answers or if the change is difficult, we must ask the questions and expand our imaginations.

I saw a quote on instagram from @jendziura of her 3 year old wanting to be an astronaut and her reply that she needs to: "study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science and take a physical fitness test" and the child responding "that's just 4 things". This is the attitude we need to bring to these conversations.

I am also reading Ruha Benjamin's 'Imagination, A manifesto', which is diving deep into the questions of why can't we use our imagination and lean into the capabilities and strengths we have in diversity and the history of native nations and knowledge. Instead of just the white washed cis male dominated futurism that we seem to be riding on.

I feel like we have boxed ourselves into this horrible reality and the answers are outside the box.

What is the life of a “normal person”?

Back to my original thought. How to live in this day and age? I ask such a broad and simple question as I don't really consider my current situation living rather than surviving. And I don't know how or what to change so that it wouldn't feel like such a struggle to be able to live and not stress and worry everyday. Let me paint you a picture how a neurodivergent, chronically ill, queer immigrant from a country that has been voted one of the happiest countries on earth, Finland, is living in a country full of classism, racism, poverty... United Kingdom.

I am one of the lucky neurodivergent and chronically ill people who is somehow able to go to work and (just about) pay the bills and rent to a studio flat in an old Victorian building. I have worked hard to get to this point to not live in a shared living situation as my mental health desperately needed this as an autistic person. I have my way of doing things that help me get through the day and also social interactions really drain me, so to have lived most of my life in shared flats has been a struggle, or at the very least taxing. I also work somewhere where I physically need to be active and also be social and interact with other people 9 hours a day. I do get 1 h lunch but rarely it is energising as it is in a space that is still not comfort as I still need to mask and keep myself going after the lunch. Usually my focus on my lunch time is just eating and passing the time. I walk to and from work as I need the fresh air, movement in my body and a break between work and home life. But also I don't really have the money to be taking a bus everyday.

At home I look after my cats (that I got with an ex as I always thought I wouldn't have the capacity energy or money wise to look after cats alone, but hey ho life throws you curve balls that you got to deal with), feed them, clean their litter boxes, play with them and feed myself too. By then I'm so exhausted and mentally fried I lie down and forget everything and anything exists as my brain or body just doesn't have the energy to cope with anything else.

There are days when the day has been easier and I manage to see a friend, do laundry, yoga or read a book. These are the days when I feel like "a normal person". To actually feel like a day has been a win or a joyous one... those are harder for me to get to. And yes i am sick of trying to adjust my own view and to celebrate little wins cause I believe I'd deserve these better bigger wins in life too.

Weekends are usually one day of resting and recovering and one day of trying to do something nice or cleaning the house. A choice I have to make based on either how gross my flat is or how depressed I'm feeling. What ever wins will help make the choice of what I'll end up doing. Usually both a little bit as both influence each other.

All this whilst the rent and bills for my place keep getting more and more expensive and my pay isn't changing. I look for other jobs that may pay better but then the work is even more taxing and I don't think I'm capable to do them. And finally when I find a job that seems promising, absolutely everyone is applying for it and someone ends up being more qualified or suitable and I never hear back from them.

The answer is to ask the questions

So what am I supposed to do? If I would ask the government for support I would join a long queue of people asking for help, and then I'd need to start proving how worthy I am? I still have a job so I probably wouldn't be getting much at all. And also how do I prove I'm not doing well, when I haven't even received official diagnosis (other than anxiety and depression) as the waiting line for being diagnosed is years and for most of my issues the doctors just shrug and tell me to try get on with it. One time I talked with a doctor who talked about a normal pain level and I was wondering what that meant. Apparently normal pain level is zero. From 0-10 the normal pain level is 0. What do you mean zero????? How am I 36 years old and discovering things in life that to everyone else is normal and to me an absolute miracle or science fiction or just something I could of never believed to be true. I thought everyone struggles. I thought everyone is in pain a little bit. I guess not everybody.

But how come it feels right now that a lot of us are? One way or another. What is so systematically and socially wrong that we are so deep in this that so many people are hurting and struggling? And I'm supposed to feel like a lucky one with all this pain, struggle, debt? And I know I am lucky. I know I was born with a lot of privileges (being white, capable to work, born in Finland). I can't even imagine what it is like for people with different experiences. My heart sinks and I feel so overwhelmed with where do we even start?

But we have to start somewhere. We have to start by asking questions even if we don't have answers yet. We have to start using our imagination and expand our current ways of thinking so that we can start changing the current ways we do things. Every action has a reaction. No matter how small. Right now it feels so dark in this world, we need more light. I need more light.

Also the reality of talking about things like this whilst there is a full on war going on in different parts of the world, where people are literally dying and losing their homes and family, feels so... self centered. But we can't just ignore our own problems cause they're not "big enough" or there’s someone somewhere that has it worse. I truly believe that any good change, any light in any part of the world in any persons life, brings more light to the rest of the world. Every act of kindness, every act of love and care will make a difference to someone. And I do think that can have a domino effect and ripple down or even snowball down. I'm sick of people being horrible to each other and just taking things as they are. Talking negatively about each other and festering ill will.

Call me naive, call me childish or stupid or silly. I want more light and I want more love and I want more goodness than anything else. If that means being cringe and doing things differently than some and making mistakes and doing things that some might not see as important, I don't care anymore. I want to be free of the weight I feel from the world. I want to make changes.

In a friends workplace someone had said to an aspiring leader that they were “too nice” to be a leader. Why can’t you be nice and also lead? Why can’t you care for people and also be able to manage them and tell hard truths when needed? How do people think that one cancels the other? You can be both nice and warm and a light in the world and also fight, make changes and be tough.

Dream realisor

In Ruha Benjamin’s ‘Imagination, A Manifesto’ there are exercises you can practice alone or in a group and I’m going to leave you with couple of them:

Making shit up by Michelle King

Ask yourself what would you give yourself a diploma of that isn’t academic, work related, but something kind of (in some minds) silly or unexpected? Some examples given were “fried egg expert”, “master re-assurer” and “corny joke maker”.

You bring light to the world with this skill. Even if it’s small. Even if it only brings you a smile or you feel good about yourself. That is a shine that warms others too around you. How can you do more of that in your life? Or seek situations where you can share that with others or where others bring this out of you?

Some years ago I went to a creative camp called Lakes of fire in Michigan, USA (think a very small version of burning man) and there was a camp that gave these kinds of diplomas out. My diploma was a Dream realisor. We all got a little laminated badge to clip on us like we worked there as this person. Mine originated from the thought how I had been making my dreams come true and was inspiring others to do the same. My dream then having been to travel and live in other countries as well as be with someone I loved.

Welcome to Acorn (a community created by Octavia E. Butler in ‘Parable of the Sower’)

If you were stranded in an island with others, what is one thing you could offer the group to help survive and rebuild? Some examples cooking, fixing things and taking initiative and bringing out the best in others.

You have skills that can be used in various ways, and some you might not realise you have and use everyday that are invaluable as not everyone has them.

Please have a look at Ruha Benjamin’s incredible book ‘Imagination, a Manifesto’ yourself either at an independent bookstore (like I bought my copy at She said in Berlin, Germany, hiiiiighly recommend if you’re near there) or online for example at Bookshop.org

Also the most amazing fun camp that I want to go back to one day Lakes of Fire.

Click here for all the other links where you can find more of this and other fun things!

Be kind to yourself and others!